Last Aid

a look into last aid and its field applications

F - First Aid

U - Understand

C - Comfort

K - Contact

E - Extract Valuables

D - Die

It is vitally important that we attempt first aid, not only because as of 2007 B.M.S are legally exempt from the Good Samaritan clause, but also to assess the situation and if last aid is necessary. If at any point you deem that the casualty may die, or is at high risk of dying at any time in the future it is important that you do not continue with first aid, it is vital that we do not play God, or anger him in any way.

Explain to them that they are going to die, soon. They will protest this, or may exclaim that it is only a flesh wound or broken bone. Tell them they are wrong, it is a mortal wound. Casualties know nothing about medicene, and you have a certificate. Remind them of this multiple times if you need to. Doctors use the derogatory term “medical ninny” for someone who has no medical training, be sure to use it.

Make sure no matter what that the casualty is comfortable with the eternal and ever encroaching concept of death and to embrace it with full force and without cowardice. - If the casualty shows any signs of resisting death and not being open to the concept, it is vitally important you explain how this life isn’t for them, and death is preferable. Encourage them to think of things they may have done wrong in the past and to dwell on them, if they are insecure about their weight make sure to keep bringing it up.

Announce to everyone around and loudly that someone is dying and they must watch. Take their phone and text all their contacts. Include their location and give them three minutes to get there to say goodbye. Stress importance of this to parents, we dont want them dawdling. A recent study done by Martin Hotleg B.M.S PhD showed that parents on average take well over ten minutes to get to the casualty, and that is time that could be eating in to your lunch break.

You don’t want their valuables lining the pocket of a paramedic, it’s well documented they will only use this to purchase a ticket to dog fighting or to watch a woman die. Instead, grab them and post them to the Backstreet Medical Service P.O box where we will dispose of them.

It is time for them to die. They may not immediately die. But if you have done steps two and three they will embrace it and often drift out into the void. After this step, it is important you leave quickly and quietly to the nearest post box and tell no one where you are going. If the police or ambulance service make enquries you were never there and dont know who Backstreet Medical Services are.

Remember - mentioning our name to any legal entity or emergency service can be enough to get your certificate from us revoked.